Big Jew goes to Chiltern Firehouse

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The name Chiltern Firehouse escalated quicker than the countries hatred for Perez Hilton in his tiny little speedos (seriously why does he carry round a gym water bottle with him everywhere he goes?!)…. and that’s saying something! Being a Big Jew on a diet  I naturally wanted to try it out. Overall, it’s a cool place, but I think people go for the name rather than the food. This is most likely due to the fact that their main clientele (from what I could see) were coke-addicted ladies who leisure. By leisure I mean throw up their food. So, yes the food was great (especially the desserts I hasten to add), but it’s more of a place to be seen – rather than unbelievably delicious food, especially as it cost dolla dolla bill.

To start we had some bar snacks. Cornbread fingers which came with what I thought was butter but turned out to be bacon fat, sweet corn type thingy. Unbelievably delicious. Not very Big Jew on a diet. Oh well. We also had crab donuts. Crab in a donut! Now I’ve heard everything.

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For starters I ordered Jerusalem artichoke and truffle, Charlie ordered sea trout sashimi. Charlie thought the sea trout tasted of pussy (not that he’d know), so I switched with him. It did indeed taste of pussy (not that I’d know either). Anyway, I still managed to polish off the whole thing. The J’Slam artichoke was delicious and would get again. Seeing as neither of us like pussy, I wouldn’t get the sea trout again. I forgot to take a picture of the sea trout as I was so overwhelmed with the pussy thing. Here’s the artichoke – it had a creamy thing on top with hazelnuts and truffle:

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Then came the mains. I had salmon which was sweet, yet salty and delicious. Charlie had monkfish (the most expensive thing on the menu – dick). It was worth it though. Although really rich, it had a great balance of textures and flavour flaves.

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For dessert we had the salted chocolate tart which was insane and “milk and honey” which was even more insane. Milk and honey comprised of honey jelly, milk ice-cream and honeycomb bits. It was sensational. I’d go back just for the desserts… and the bar snacks…. and the salmon.

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To wrap things up, I loved it. It’s pricey, but worth it. Overall, I give it 8 Star of Davids.

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Don’t want flesh unless you got buns hun

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I hope you got the Nicki Minaj reference there – if not then get off my blog ASAP – unless you’re my mum – you’re allowed

So I decided to take a break from my evergreen diet and visit Flesh & Buns, which has been top of my list for a while now. It’s sister restaurant Bone Daddies is only like my favourite place ever in London (see blog post here for that BigJew Review, to which I gave 7 Stars of Davids).

The restaurant it’s pretty London genezza – dark, loud, hot gay waiters. However, one of the refreshing differences about F&B is the menu variety – this isn’t your standard 2 item menu that’s so popular at the moment. I wouldn’t call this place Japanese, more like everything you love about every asian food you can think of – sweet, sticky, crispy, salty, coriandery – mixed with a burger joint.

To start we had Chicken Wings (almost as good as the Patty & Bun ones) – they were crispy on the outside, soft on the inside and coated in a sweet, sour sesame sauce. I stole the picture below from another blog because I was too engrossed on eating them that I forgot to take a picture soz. They were probs the best thing we had there. The seafood ceviche was nice & fresh, but pretty irrel if you asked me. The sushi was above the shit you’d get from Tesco, but not quite Nobu.

Bowlful of glistening Korean chicken wings at Flesh & Buns

Now to the flesh & bun bit – they serve you sticky bun things like you’d get in a dim sum place and then you shove different fillings in. We ordered pork, duck & salmon. All three were pretty good – the pork was soft and sweet with the apple puree and the duck was like a souped-up version of your standard duck pancakes. My favourite was the salmon actually – crisp, soft and tasted like hoisin-teryaki. It was boom.

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Overall it’s definitely worth a visit. It’s new and interesting. However, putting my BigJew hat on I’d say that it was quite overpriced for what it was and don’t go hungry. I give it 6 Stars of Davids.

Get your ‘Fat Girl’ halloween costume from Walmart

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Walmart made an oopsie today – they labelled their plus size halloween section as “Fat Girl Costumes.” I’m not sure whether it was a prank going wrong, an excitable intern on glue or a genuine label for their new subsection, but Walmart took the page down immediately after someone Tweeted about it. I for one am quite glad about the section – I have a halloween party coming up on Friday and being a fat chambermaid is only like my dream come true.

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This reminds me of the time when Target labelled their plus-size grey dress as “Manatee Grey” instead of “Dark Heather Grey” for the normal size. People these days…

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What happened to Renee Zellweger’s face?

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It’s not completely out of the blue for RenZeg to have a change every now and again thanks to her alter ego Bridget Jones, but that’s usually just thin to fat to thin again. However, this time round something completely different has happened – it seems her face has completely changed. It’s weird because she doesn’t look younger or more Botoxed… she just looks like she couldn’t be assed to go to the premier and sent a cheap look-a-like instead whilst she stayed at home and binged on B&J’s like Bridget would. It reminds me of the really shit Jennifer Anniston impersonator my dad got me for my Barmitzvah.

Ladies and Gentlemen – the new RenZeg:

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New V Old:

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Yom Kippur Wars

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It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for! From the makers of Passover Wars and Rosh Hash Wars comes the all new Yom Kippur Wars…

2 old Jewish men battle it out over the fast.

I hope you all fast easy, Baruch Hashem! x

Yom Kippur & Big Jew don’t mix

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Ok I admit it I can’t deal with Yom Kippur. I’m sorry for my sins and all but fasting is pretty much my worst nightmare. If the old man synagogue breath isn’t bad enough, I’ve actually never made it through the whole day fasting. I lie every year and tell my grandma that I “fasted well”.

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You may remember my old post here about ‘fat moments‘, or moments where I’ve acted, quite shamefully, like a complete fatty. Today is the Yom Kippur edition.

Here are my Yom Kippur fattest moments:

Yom Kippur Fat moment 1

One time I made it to 3pm without eating. Whilst my mum was tutoring maths to my cousins I decided to bake cupcakes for the evening. I proceeded to make the batter… a little taste here, a little taste there… before I know it there was hardly any batter left. I threw the rest away and my mum never knew I even started making cupcakes. My rationale is that God turns a blind eye to uncooked foods…. he would do the same in my position.

Yom Kippur Fat Moment 2: 

The following year I made it successfully till about 4pm. I was starving but felt skinny. I went upstairs to have a nap and my dad had left an M&S Halloween ‘chocolate bucket’ (the best type of bucket) on my bed. I ate one, then two, then the whole thing (about 4,000 calories). I fell asleep in the midst of the glimmering foil. It was the best sleep ever.

Yom Kippur Fat Moment 3: 

One time I was chewing gum in front of the Rabbi and he told he that I had technically broken the fast. So I went home and binged. May as well throw the baby out with the bath water and all.

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Do you have any Yom Kippur fat moments?

As my grandma would say… Fast Well!!

x

Why I think ‘All About That Bass’ by Meghan Trainor promotes binging like a MOFO

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In case you don’t know her yet, Meghan Trainor is popping up all over the shop with her new song ‘All About That Bass’. See the song here. The song is all about being comfortable with your size, telling us to not follow the photoshopping crowd. Now ordinarily I’d be all over a song like this, but I actually found myself eating more this weekend due to it’s messaging. Yes, that’s right, the song made me binge.

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A few of my favourite lyrics from the song are:

“Yeah, my mama she told me don’t worry about your size. She says, “Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.”

Yeah, that’s what my mama said and I ended up being 22 stone I was 17. Lol JK she had to padlock the food cupboard (true story).

The second lyric that made me eat were:

“But I’m here to tell ya every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top”

I was literally singing with with a buttercream enriched piece of cake in my mouth.

What’s my point here? Well, I don’t know if it’s due to my lack of willpower, but when I hear a song like this it makes me content with my size and therefore makes me eat. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is the fact that I didn’t lose any pounds this week can be blamed on Meghan Trainor. Cheers, ya bitch.

Anyone else think this, or am I on glue? I give the song 7 star of Davids.

BJOD X

Rosh Hash Wars

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Happy Rosh Hash bitches!

Fully fat vs. fully fake?

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Ever wondered if you can tell the difference between full-fat vs. light products? The R&D Division of BJOD enterprises put it to the test. The results will change the way you look at cream cheese forever.

What light products do you like the most? What makes the best substitute?

Enjoy x

Following fat people with a tuba

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I’m the first one to jump on board with new viral video shenanigans (i.e. Big Jew does ice bucket challenge Flashdance style) but a new viral craze is popping up and it’s left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. More bitter than 70% cocoa dark chocolate.

Ladies and gents I present to you following fat people with a tuba:

I don’t know if it’s because I’m fat but I find this pretty horrific. That poor dude. If someone followed me with a tuba I would literally grab it off them and shove it up their anus. I find it funny that people (… arrogant kids) find it socially acceptable to do this sort of thing now. I was wondering if I’m missing the joke here and taking it all too seriously. Maybe I should chase anorexic people with chocolate cake?

Thoughts?