Big Jew goes to Chiltern Firehouse

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The name Chiltern Firehouse escalated quicker than the countries hatred for Perez Hilton in his tiny little speedos (seriously why does he carry round a gym water bottle with him everywhere he goes?!)…. and that’s saying something! Being a Big Jew on a diet  I naturally wanted to try it out. Overall, it’s a cool place, but I think people go for the name rather than the food. This is most likely due to the fact that their main clientele (from what I could see) were coke-addicted ladies who leisure. By leisure I mean throw up their food. So, yes the food was great (especially the desserts I hasten to add), but it’s more of a place to be seen – rather than unbelievably delicious food, especially as it cost dolla dolla bill.

To start we had some bar snacks. Cornbread fingers which came with what I thought was butter but turned out to be bacon fat, sweet corn type thingy. Unbelievably delicious. Not very Big Jew on a diet. Oh well. We also had crab donuts. Crab in a donut! Now I’ve heard everything.

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For starters I ordered Jerusalem artichoke and truffle, Charlie ordered sea trout sashimi. Charlie thought the sea trout tasted of pussy (not that he’d know), so I switched with him. It did indeed taste of pussy (not that I’d know either). Anyway, I still managed to polish off the whole thing. The J’Slam artichoke was delicious and would get again. Seeing as neither of us like pussy, I wouldn’t get the sea trout again. I forgot to take a picture of the sea trout as I was so overwhelmed with the pussy thing. Here’s the artichoke – it had a creamy thing on top with hazelnuts and truffle:

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Then came the mains. I had salmon which was sweet, yet salty and delicious. Charlie had monkfish (the most expensive thing on the menu – dick). It was worth it though. Although really rich, it had a great balance of textures and flavour flaves.

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For dessert we had the salted chocolate tart which was insane and “milk and honey” which was even more insane. Milk and honey comprised of honey jelly, milk ice-cream and honeycomb bits. It was sensational. I’d go back just for the desserts… and the bar snacks…. and the salmon.

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To wrap things up, I loved it. It’s pricey, but worth it. Overall, I give it 8 Star of Davids.

Is Justin Bieber’s dick photoshopped?

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Hi guys,

That’s right – BJOD is back. Now I know what you’re thinking… I haven’t posted in like 4 months and my opener is about Justin Bieber’s dick – what does that have anything to do with a big Jew on a diet. Well guys it has EVERYTHING to do with a big Jew on a diet. I’m sitting here on my exercise bike for the first time in 6 months (god help me) and I was going to write a boring post about how horrendous the first week of a diet is. Then I thought I’d spare you all of the pain by blogging about something interesting. See, the key to making exercise pass quick is to look at pictures of celebrity bulges. Gareth Bales is a particular fave of ours at Big Jew Towers.

Anyway, there’s been a whole lot of controversy surrounding Justin Bieber’s new Calvin Klein photoshoot, with this website claiming that they have received an untouched version of the picture below.

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The website have since received a billion death threats from young Beliebers round the world and they have since taken down the photo. It seems that his fans can’t bear the thought of him having a small dick.

What’s my opinion? I don’t give a shit, but it sure made me forget that I’ve been on the exercise bike for 20 mins! Now onto the next bulge. Btw, in case you’re wondering, I definitely have an exercise bike at home and am not looking at this stuff at the gym.

x

2015 – the year without boobs

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Hey guys,

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As I scroll through all the standard New Year bullshit on Facebook, I can’t help but feel slightly shit about the fact that my diet was a 2014 resolution that I didn’t exactly stick to. I had 2 resolutions – start a blog and lose some weight. Aside from the past couple of months the blog thing went really well… 25,000 views in my first year which is pretty great. However the diet went pretty much downhill soon after I went for tea with my grandma in JANUARY. That means I was on my diet successfully for the total amount of 2 weeks.

Anyways onwards and upwards etc. I just wanted to take the time to commit to getting back on the blogging bandwagon as well as the proper diet bandwagon. Enough is enough.

2015 will be a year without boobs. Watch this space.

Thanks to all my readers – ILY x

BJOD

How to fake a before and after photo

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If you get over the ridiculously fake acting (almost as fake as the photos if you ask me) this clip is quite interesting –

So I decided to make my own fake before and after photo:

Before:

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After:

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OMG it’s taken pounds off… not. I think I look exactly the same. Fail

Almost as bad as this one:

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Don’t want flesh unless you got buns hun

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I hope you got the Nicki Minaj reference there – if not then get off my blog ASAP – unless you’re my mum – you’re allowed

So I decided to take a break from my evergreen diet and visit Flesh & Buns, which has been top of my list for a while now. It’s sister restaurant Bone Daddies is only like my favourite place ever in London (see blog post here for that BigJew Review, to which I gave 7 Stars of Davids).

The restaurant it’s pretty London genezza – dark, loud, hot gay waiters. However, one of the refreshing differences about F&B is the menu variety – this isn’t your standard 2 item menu that’s so popular at the moment. I wouldn’t call this place Japanese, more like everything you love about every asian food you can think of – sweet, sticky, crispy, salty, coriandery – mixed with a burger joint.

To start we had Chicken Wings (almost as good as the Patty & Bun ones) – they were crispy on the outside, soft on the inside and coated in a sweet, sour sesame sauce. I stole the picture below from another blog because I was too engrossed on eating them that I forgot to take a picture soz. They were probs the best thing we had there. The seafood ceviche was nice & fresh, but pretty irrel if you asked me. The sushi was above the shit you’d get from Tesco, but not quite Nobu.

Bowlful of glistening Korean chicken wings at Flesh & Buns

Now to the flesh & bun bit – they serve you sticky bun things like you’d get in a dim sum place and then you shove different fillings in. We ordered pork, duck & salmon. All three were pretty good – the pork was soft and sweet with the apple puree and the duck was like a souped-up version of your standard duck pancakes. My favourite was the salmon actually – crisp, soft and tasted like hoisin-teryaki. It was boom.

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Overall it’s definitely worth a visit. It’s new and interesting. However, putting my BigJew hat on I’d say that it was quite overpriced for what it was and don’t go hungry. I give it 6 Stars of Davids.

Get your ‘Fat Girl’ halloween costume from Walmart

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Walmart made an oopsie today – they labelled their plus size halloween section as “Fat Girl Costumes.” I’m not sure whether it was a prank going wrong, an excitable intern on glue or a genuine label for their new subsection, but Walmart took the page down immediately after someone Tweeted about it. I for one am quite glad about the section – I have a halloween party coming up on Friday and being a fat chambermaid is only like my dream come true.

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This reminds me of the time when Target labelled their plus-size grey dress as “Manatee Grey” instead of “Dark Heather Grey” for the normal size. People these days…

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What happened to Renee Zellweger’s face?

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It’s not completely out of the blue for RenZeg to have a change every now and again thanks to her alter ego Bridget Jones, but that’s usually just thin to fat to thin again. However, this time round something completely different has happened – it seems her face has completely changed. It’s weird because she doesn’t look younger or more Botoxed… she just looks like she couldn’t be assed to go to the premier and sent a cheap look-a-like instead whilst she stayed at home and binged on B&J’s like Bridget would. It reminds me of the really shit Jennifer Anniston impersonator my dad got me for my Barmitzvah.

Ladies and Gentlemen – the new RenZeg:

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New V Old:

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Jinn – The App that delivers any food from any restaurant in London right to your doorstep

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If someone told you there was a magical App which allowed you to order any food item from any restaurant in London, would you believe it? Well I’m actually surprised it’s taken this long for someone to do it but that’s besides the point. The point is there is now an App where you can order your Froyo, Patty & Bun, Atari-Ya, etc. and it will be delivered to your door in under an hour, just for £6 extra plus 10% of the order price.

My initial fat-man thoughts were OMFG I can get those jizzy Patty & Bun 2-day-confied-panko-coated-fried-BBQ-sauced-chicken-wings without having to survive the 2-hour queue that has become expected of the London restaurant scene (btw these chicken wings are the most insane thing you’ll ever put in your mouth in London (well, outside of Soho anyway – JK)). You can also order whatever you want from Harrods – think about it, you could literally have beluga caviar without never having to leave the bath. The mind begins to race.

And then my hopes and dreams come crashing down to earth when I find out that my home address is outside of the current delivery area. I have an NW stamped in front of my postcode WTF is that about? I checked and they literally only deliver like 1 minute from Selfridges. Seems like this Big Jew beluga-fest will have to wait. Also, can’t help but think that it’s one step closer towards this:

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Yom Kippur Wars

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It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for! From the makers of Passover Wars and Rosh Hash Wars comes the all new Yom Kippur Wars…

2 old Jewish men battle it out over the fast.

I hope you all fast easy, Baruch Hashem! x

Yom Kippur & Big Jew don’t mix

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Ok I admit it I can’t deal with Yom Kippur. I’m sorry for my sins and all but fasting is pretty much my worst nightmare. If the old man synagogue breath isn’t bad enough, I’ve actually never made it through the whole day fasting. I lie every year and tell my grandma that I “fasted well”.

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You may remember my old post here about ‘fat moments‘, or moments where I’ve acted, quite shamefully, like a complete fatty. Today is the Yom Kippur edition.

Here are my Yom Kippur fattest moments:

Yom Kippur Fat moment 1

One time I made it to 3pm without eating. Whilst my mum was tutoring maths to my cousins I decided to bake cupcakes for the evening. I proceeded to make the batter… a little taste here, a little taste there… before I know it there was hardly any batter left. I threw the rest away and my mum never knew I even started making cupcakes. My rationale is that God turns a blind eye to uncooked foods…. he would do the same in my position.

Yom Kippur Fat Moment 2: 

The following year I made it successfully till about 4pm. I was starving but felt skinny. I went upstairs to have a nap and my dad had left an M&S Halloween ‘chocolate bucket’ (the best type of bucket) on my bed. I ate one, then two, then the whole thing (about 4,000 calories). I fell asleep in the midst of the glimmering foil. It was the best sleep ever.

Yom Kippur Fat Moment 3: 

One time I was chewing gum in front of the Rabbi and he told he that I had technically broken the fast. So I went home and binged. May as well throw the baby out with the bath water and all.

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Do you have any Yom Kippur fat moments?

As my grandma would say… Fast Well!!

x