humour

Fully fat vs. fully fake?

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Ever wondered if you can tell the difference between full-fat vs. light products? The R&D Division of BJOD enterprises put it to the test. The results will change the way you look at cream cheese forever.

What light products do you like the most? What makes the best substitute?

Enjoy x

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New Video – 5 pounds in 5 months

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Hey guys – new video! It’s been a while.

If you guys have any real weight loss tips, feel free to share ūüôā

I’m back bitches

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Last Friday I went to register with a new doctor. Simple enough I thought. Until I saw this health-computer-booth thingy which took my measurements.¬†I had to weigh myself as part of the new application. Shit. I’ve been avoiding scales for weeks now. Anyway, I stood on them and was greeted with this:¬†

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Even a machine judges me! This was a huge wake up call to sort it out and get back on track. For all my lovely readers, I apologise for letting you down by not writing (or dieting) for the past month. I admit it¬†I fell off the fat bandwagon. Buttercream got the best of me. I’ve managed to lose 6 pounds in 5 months. If I carry on at this rate it will take me 3 years to get to my goal weight. That doesn’t take into account all of the buttercream events such as Christmas, Birthdays, Best friends birthdays, bad days at work, good days at work, boring days at work, busy days at work. Basically I’m fucked all year round because buttercream is good for all events (even shivas). I just need to bring back that motivation. I’ve been slightly embarrassed to write for a while due to my lack of results, but this blog is built on honesty. Therefore I can honestly tell you that actually I’ve only lost 5 pounds. Soz. However I’m pleased to tell you that I’ve been back on it for 3 days now… I even had minestrone soup for lunch. So old school.¬†

Anyway, if anyone is still out there, thanks for sticking with ūüôā

 

Big GOO on a diet

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So I’ve been ill this week with a nasty ear infection… I won’t go into the details but the clue is in the title of this blog post – big goo on a diet. I’m one of those people who could convince themselves they were dying even with just a common cold. It got me thinking, here are Big Jew’s pros and cons of being ill whilst on a diet (p.s. if this post doesn’t make any sense it’s because i’m horribly unbalanced and running a slight fever):

– Pro – My antibiotics say I’m not allowed to eat 2 hours before or 2 hours after taking them and I need to take them 4 times a day. This already limits my snacking hours to specific points in the day. No more sneaky mini cupcakes whilst at the desk. I know what you’re thinking ladies – it’s called Flucloxacillin – go crazy.

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– Con – This promotes binging at my designated hours in the day. God help anyone standing in the way of the cholla when my 2 hour period has come (cholla is the ultimate ill food obv

– Pro – Fevers take your hunger away – starve a fever, feed a cold. Personally I’ve never noticed this one… fever or no fever I’m a ravenous beast.

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– Con – When fever subsides you think you’re ‘owed’ 1000 extra calories. There’s something about being hotter… you almost think you’re burning more calories. It’s like exercise.

– Pro – You don’t go out to fancy restaurants and have big dinners when you’re ill.

– Con – You are more likely to boredom eat whilst snacking at home and no one can see what you’re doing because they’re all at work. Everyone know that secret calories don’t count.

– Pro – You can watch as much TV as you like

– Con – Only cooking shows like Barefoot Contessa is on… “how bad can that be?”

– Pro – You have an excuse not to feel guilty about not exercising

Big Jew Asks “What’s the fattest thing you’ve ever done?”

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Hey guys,

I’m not exactly proud of my fatter years, but sometimes I look back and laugh about how much of a fat-man-mentality I had (… or have).¬†I stumbled across this hilarious forum the other day – “What’s the fattest thing you’ve ever done?”. I truly admire the honesty, whilst feel slightly disgusted at some of the confessions. In the spirit of the post I thought I’d share with you some of my fattest things I’ve ever done….

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The Cookie-Dough Strainer 

1. When I was 16-ish (during my fattest period) I used to skip sports afternoon on Wednesdays, go home for lunch and order the “Pizza Hut gut buster”. I used to get a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza (my mum is going to KILL me for admitting that) and cheesy nachos. I used to eat the whole thing, but that’s not even the worse part… it would come with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough but I’d be so full I’d melt it in the microwave and sieve out the ice-cream, leaving just the cookie dough chunks.

Getting stuck in the pool 

2. When I was 17 I was playing waterpolo in the school pool and I got my fat arm stuck in the side of the pool. Everyone had to get out of the pool and they called in engineers to get my arm out. Lucky enough I managed to pull it out before it got too embarrassing.

Yom Kippur Cupcake massacre

3. Good Jews have to fast for 25 hours once a year for Yom Kippur. I’ve never quite made it through the whole day. One year I decided to bake a whole batch of cupcakes for the evening post-fast family feast. However I found myself eating half the batch and got so embarrassed that ate the rest and never told my mum that I even baked them in the first place.

I want to know your fattest moments – if you want to remain anonymous email them to me – marcyj@hotmail.co.uk. Be honest! We’ve all been there hunny

X

5 reasons why fat people and summer don’t get on

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I was meant to lose 4 stone by summer…. that’s great and all but we’re¬†on the 14th of June now and I’ve lost 4 pounds. Maybe I meant Australian summer. Anywho – most people love the fact summer is coming… short shorts on, guns out etc. but for the average fatty sun is like Kryptonite. Here are BJOD’s 5 reasons why fat people and sun don’t get on:

1.¬†Beaches make me sad… and I’m not even talking about the Bette Midler version (only gays would get that joke)

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The thin person rules on the beach. Their life spent in the gym finally pays off when they go on holiday and hit the sandy shores. For the average fat person however, it’s incredibly how many places you will find sand in 2 months later. I came back from Dubai about 4 months ago and still finding sand in my belly button.

2. Walking 1 minute in the heat gives you sweat patches

In summer I sneeze and I get a sweat patch. It’s literally impossible to go about your daily activities without being wetter than Kinga from BB6’s champagne bottle. Lol.

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3. The great BBQ conundrum 

BBQ can actually be a really healthy way of grilling nice and lean chicken with salad on the side. Mmm healthy. However it’s also a good excuse to get the ribs on, get the buns and cheese out, and have curly fucking fries on the side. All the best BBQ food is bad for you… burgers with cheese, coleslaw, pasta salad.¬†Mmm mama’s gettin’ hungry!

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You forgot that the shorts you wore last year all had rips down the crotch 

I kid you not this always happens to me! When I was getting ready for Dubai I threw two pairs of shorts in my suitcase only to remember when I got there that I had previously ripped them down the crotch the previous summer. Whoops

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5. You hate seeing thin people happy 

There’s nothing that makes me more sick than seeing some hench sexy man walking down the street in a vest. It just makes me eat more.

Tell me guys, what do you hate about summer?

 

 

 

Top 10 worst diet foods

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Fat people get themselves into a right pickle (no pun intended). Why should we be forced to eat horrible diet food just because we’ve slightly overindulged on the way up? Skinny people don’t have 1 calorie dressing, so neither should we. I’ve been thinking about the foods which are essentially great for you on a diet, but are so horrifically tasteless/bitter/non-creamy that it makes you want to cry tears of 1-cal cooking spray. Here’s a list of diet foods which will make any dieter think ‘you know what… i’d rather just be fat for the rest of my life’.

All comments welcome – do you guys agree?

1. Cottage Cheese 

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Cottage cheese is like cheese’s version of those two girls who didn’t make it into the club in Kevin & Perry Go Large. The worst bit… it looks deceivingly creamy so it’s actually quite a¬†sneaky cheese

2. Rice cakes 

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Cakes are meant to have buttercream slathered all over them with a chocolate ganache or something – they are not meant to be dry disks of unhappiness.

3. Ryvita

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Staying with the sad cracker theme… I don’t believe anyone who actually goes out of their way to enjoy Ryvita. Yes the women in the advert seem so happy, but it’s only because they’re fucking the gardner and Botoxed to the max. soz.

4. Any Weight Watchers meal

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It’s become a well known fact that the Weight Watchers range is half food half objects you’d find around the house (wallpaper paste, glue, soap etc.). Sorry guys but the only wallpaper this Big Jew is eating is the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wallpaper. Yum

5. Celery

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This one doesn’t even need an explanation. If God had wanted us to have celery he would have made it more like an avocado.

6. Egg-whites

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Getting rid of the yolk is like getting ride of sunshine. The other day I was forced to get rid of a double-yolker… I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself. In all seriousness though there is a pretty great healthy eating book called ‘Eat the Yolks‘ which goes against this LA-no-yolk culture that has become popular over the past 10 years.

7. New potato 

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There’s nothing new about this potato. It’s dull, boring and makes your mouth go dry. Yes they’re delicious when covered in rosemary and butter… but a piece of poo would be nice covered in rosemary and butter.

8. Extra Light Mayonnaise 

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You’ll taste¬†more chemicals in this tube than in Walter White’s Blue Sky (Big Blue, Blue Magic, Fring’s Blue)

9. 1-cal cooking spray

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Yes it makes things not stick to the pan as much, but are you going to pretend that it tastes anything as good as oil? Lurpak have just launched ‘Cooking Mist’… as if i didn’t have enough trouble resisting that stuff in solid form.

10. Finally…. DUST

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Readers – what are your worst foods you dread on a diet?

BJOD x

 

The best diet since sliced quiche

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Ok guys I’ve finally found the diet that’s going to work for me! This is going to be the one which makes the difference. Bring on the quiche lorraine – so quiche. See you on the thin side bitches

The crazy ways people find my blog

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Here are some of the Google search terms people type in to reach my blog…. my personal favourite are ‘do jewish guys invite girls to froyo’, ‘gay go on a diet’, ‘do fat people gross you out’ and of course ‘can you follow the 5:2 diet during passover?’ WTF?!

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Passover Wars

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Passover is coming and BJOD is getting excited!