Ok I admit it I can’t deal with Yom Kippur. I’m sorry for my sins and all but fasting is pretty much my worst nightmare. If the old man synagogue breath isn’t bad enough, I’ve actually never made it through the whole day fasting. I lie every year and tell my grandma that I “fasted well”.
You may remember my old post here about ‘fat moments‘, or moments where I’ve acted, quite shamefully, like a complete fatty. Today is the Yom Kippur edition.
Here are my Yom Kippur fattest moments:
Yom Kippur Fat moment 1
One time I made it to 3pm without eating. Whilst my mum was tutoring maths to my cousins I decided to bake cupcakes for the evening. I proceeded to make the batter… a little taste here, a little taste there… before I know it there was hardly any batter left. I threw the rest away and my mum never knew I even started making cupcakes. My rationale is that God turns a blind eye to uncooked foods…. he would do the same in my position.
Yom Kippur Fat Moment 2:
The following year I made it successfully till about 4pm. I was starving but felt skinny. I went upstairs to have a nap and my dad had left an M&S Halloween ‘chocolate bucket’ (the best type of bucket) on my bed. I ate one, then two, then the whole thing (about 4,000 calories). I fell asleep in the midst of the glimmering foil. It was the best sleep ever.
Yom Kippur Fat Moment 3:
One time I was chewing gum in front of the Rabbi and he told he that I had technically broken the fast. So I went home and binged. May as well throw the baby out with the bath water and all.
Do you have any Yom Kippur fat moments?
As my grandma would say… Fast Well!!
Last Friday I went to register with a new doctor. Simple enough I thought. Until I saw this health-computer-booth thingy which took my measurements. I had to weigh myself as part of the new application. Shit. I’ve been avoiding scales for weeks now. Anyway, I stood on them and was greeted with this:
Even a machine judges me! This was a huge wake up call to sort it out and get back on track. For all my lovely readers, I apologise for letting you down by not writing (or dieting) for the past month. I admit it I fell off the fat bandwagon. Buttercream got the best of me. I’ve managed to lose 6 pounds in 5 months. If I carry on at this rate it will take me 3 years to get to my goal weight. That doesn’t take into account all of the buttercream events such as Christmas, Birthdays, Best friends birthdays, bad days at work, good days at work, boring days at work, busy days at work. Basically I’m fucked all year round because buttercream is good for all events (even shivas). I just need to bring back that motivation. I’ve been slightly embarrassed to write for a while due to my lack of results, but this blog is built on honesty. Therefore I can honestly tell you that actually I’ve only lost 5 pounds. Soz. However I’m pleased to tell you that I’ve been back on it for 3 days now… I even had minestrone soup for lunch. So old school.
Anyway, if anyone is still out there, thanks for sticking with 🙂
Here are some of the Google search terms people type in to reach my blog…. my personal favourite are ‘do jewish guys invite girls to froyo’, ‘gay go on a diet’, ‘do fat people gross you out’ and of course ‘can you follow the 5:2 diet during passover?’ WTF?!
I never thought I’d be able to achieve it in my life but if you type big jew on Google I am the first thing that comes up! What an honour. I’d like to thank my parents for giving me all their support, God for believing in me and my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) for keeping my weight steady.
Only 1 more day of passover to go… why not celebrate with two matzah recipes… one recipe is the devil… the other is the angel.
Let’s start with the angel:
This lovely and easy-to-make matzah frittata. When hot it tastes like a spanish omelette but served cold it tastes like a quiche! That’s so fucking quiche.
Yield: 4 hungry Jews
Filling for the frittata – onions, peppers, olives, feta if you want – be adventurous!
8 eggs (2 per person)
4 matzah sheets
Method to the madness:
1. Fry off the filling stuff in a pan… peppers, onions, olives… whatever you’re into.
2. Whisk together broken matzah and egg. Leave to soak for 5 mins.
3. Pour egg/matzah mixture over the pepper/onion mixture
4. Cook on a stove for 5 mins then flash under a grill for another 5 mins till fully cooked through
Now the devil:
Melt down 50g brown sugar and 50g butter, pour it over matzah, cook it on 150 degrees for 15 mins, then pour over chocolate chips and throw it in the freezer. It’s like a Daim bar over matzah… delicious.
I’d eat a piece of shit if it was deep fried. I just can’t resist fried stuff. I needed to find a way to emulate that crunch without using fat. The answer.. Matzah!
I know what you’re thinking… Matzah is a piece of shit right? Matzah gets really bad press. Its PR department work 24/7 against claims such as “it tastes of crap”and “it’s nothing compared to bread.”
I used to agree with these claims until I realised that matzah shouldn’t be used for its taste, no, but actually it should be used for its texture. Coating chicken in the stuff gives it a great crunch. What’s best is that there is absolutely no fat in this recipe.
Yield: 4 chicken strips per hungry jew
Ingreds: chicken, matzah, egg
Method to the madness:
– crunch up the matzah like it’s 1999
– coat chicken breast in egg and then matzah crumbs
– bake for 25 mins until golden brown
Ok guys, I promised you that I’ve been working on some ultra sexy, healthy matzo ideas… so here you go!
If you’ll remember from this post about unhealthy assassins, granola is one of those foods which is dressed up as a healthy temptress but will then proceed to screw you over by being full of fat and sugar. Have no fear, Big Jew is here. I’ve formulated this much healthier version of granola below. It’s 100% Passover friendly too 🙂
Yield: 4 servings (or 1 hungry Jewish boy)
1 tablespoon honey
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
A splash of oil (any non-flavour type)
As many nuts as you want. Go nuts. (I love pecans, macadamia or walnuts in this)
Method to the madness:
1. Break up the matzo into fine(ish) pieces
2. Chop the nuts
3. Throw together in a baking dish with brown sugar, honey, oil, salt, cinnamon
4. Bake on 160 degrees C for about 20 mins till brown and toasty
Happy Passover guys!
8 days without bread… what a perfect opportunity to lose a bit of extra weight. It’s like Yom Kippur all over again (I’ve never stuck to either Passover or Yom Kippur btw… too weak willed).
Over the next week I’m going to be posting healthy passover recipe ideas.
Enjoy 🙂 x
BJOD takes Passover (or Pesach) really seriously. Not only because I’ve been singing the ma’nishtana my whole damn life (despite NOT being the youngest in the family) but because it’s a great excuse to lose some weight! No bread for 8 days! For my non-Jewish readers you must think I’m on glue. Well I’m not going to take you through a history lesson, but the basic premise of Passover is that God made 8 days to help Jews lose weight by not giving them bread. Read the real story here instead.
The scientists in the BJOD R&D department
me, in an apron that doesn’t fit, in the kitchen have been really hard at work developing some delicious ways to make matzoh. Stay put for some fantastic ideas next week!!